i don't have any brothers or sisters. well, i guess that's not "technically true." i do have a couple of step sisters and a step brother that belonged to my dad before he and my mom were married. but they are 20+ years older than i am and were long out of the house by the time my parents got together. i barely know them - we aren't close and don't ever talk. sad, really.
that said; i always wanted a sister. you know - the kind that always wants to hang out with you, trade clothes and shoes and do hair and make-up together. really even the kind that your mom makes you let hang with you and your friends. but - that just never came for me. i was my parent's only child.
fast forward 25 years and meet my sister-in-law jennifer (and family) :). oh yes i did.
she is awesome and i adore her. she's everything that i want to be. she is smart, funny, kind and a woman of very strong faith. straight up someone who attracts people. she's the kind of person who lights up a room. you want to be where she is because she is just fun. she's older (translate - much cooler) than i am and instead of having the little sister who steals your clothes and friends - i became her.
j befriended me without hesitation even though i was awkward (imagine that... bwahahaha). i came into her life as her husband's brother's girlfriend. my in at that time is that i'm really good with kids. so good that i became attached to her kids (now my neice and nephews) before i attached to her. they were easy. lots of candy and lovin and i was in like flynn.
j and her husband, my super-brother-in-law, saved what little faith i had left in 2008. things just weren't going according to MY plan at that time in my life and i was angry at God. in fact - i didn't give a crap about much of anything. i had been watching my dad succumb to a very rare, deadly cancer. my stout, 250 lb dad had weathered down to a mere 85 lbs and it was horrifying. i just couldn't believe that God would allow him to go through this - or me to watch it happen. j invited me on a retreat weekend with a bunch of crazies that changed my life completely. (sidenote: i use the term "crazies" in a very loving way. these are the kind of people who walk around singing at 5 am wearing 25lb shirts full of buttons and pins). God wanted me there - and i went. i left he weekend feeling alive. my dad died two days after i returned and after the most meaningful talk we've ever had on my way home from this weekend, i was ready.
that was two years ago. today i would have to say that second to my husband my sweet sis(in-law, but who cares about that right?) is one of my besties. my brotha' from anotha' motha. :) or sister, but whatever. i feel as though i can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me. and that is awesome. there aren't many people in this world that i feel as comfortable with as her.
so today - i thank her. out loud, on the interwebz. and praise God for her and her family. i am so blessed by them there are no words to describe how much they've done in our lives. i give the glory and the gratitude to God for them.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
hello interwebz. i'm new here. allow me to introduce myself. i'm lula's mama.
here's the real dirty truth about my blog. i figure, no beating around the bush - lay it all out on the line so you know where my head is, right?
in october i lost a baby. i am a miscarriage survivor. i use the term "survivor" loosely as more often than not, there are still days when i feel ready for the rapture and am certain my kind, patient husband and my sweet little lula would be better off without me. ridiculous, right? i know... but honestly, i've just never been in a sadder, darker place in my life. my heart is broken. just broken.
last night, after a long discussion with my awesome awesome husband, i realized that i just need someone to blame. there has to be a reason that this has happened to me. i've never EVER done everything right until i started bleeding 6 weeks into my pregnancy. i called the doctor, i went in, we all saw a heartbeat. our doctor, who coincidentally is also our pastor (yep... i'm close "personal" friends with my pastor. who is very attractive. and i'm blushing) prayed with us, for us. i went to a womens conference, surrounded myself with the word and strong, faithful ladies who prayed over me and my teeny tiny little baby. i've never prayed harder, read more of the Bible... i've never had such a strong faith. i just KNEW that God would get us through this and that 8 months later, in may, i would have an amazing testimony as i sat holding my newborn baby. i believed with my whole heart, my whole soul. and then... it didn't happen. in fact... just the opposite... i passed our sweet teeny grape sized baby while sitting on the toilet just three days after the bleeding started.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. REALLY!?!?! it was the worst day of my life and i will NEVER forget how it all went down. i fished that sweet babe out of the toilet. i was in a complete state of SHOCK and PANIC. i didn't know what else to do. here i was, begging God for this to be a dream. nope. sorry sister... this is real life. and it slapped me straight across the face as i stood in the bathroom that day, pants on the ground, holding my little baby in my hand.
and so... now here i am. i love my God and i know someday i will see my sweet babe again. i know that. and i am so thankful. and yet, i still cry and think of what could of been. what should have been.
i've been fighting back though. i've so desperately needed someone to blame that i've accepted that since it wasn't God's fault (although i do feel like He abandoned both me and my baby) it wasn't my husband's fault, it must be my fault. right? i mean, something went wrong and at the end of the day, my body couldn't carry this baby to term. my body flushed it out... literally. my body failed me. so i've foolishly been fighting back against none other than myself. i haven't been taking care of myself and i just don't give a rip about it. but yesterday i realized that i'm not just hurting myself anymore. i'm hurting my husband and my little lula - both of whom i ADORE. and so it has to stop.
so i created this blog. and here i will recount the things that i give the glory and the gratitude to God for everyday. sure, i realize no one will read it, but i pretty much don't care. i'm doing this for me. i'm doing this to heal. in hopes that by counting the things i'm thankful for everyday i can focus in on the positives in my life and stop dwelling on the fact that our family unit is missing a link. (ugh... heavy, i know).
bet you didn't realize you were stepping in on something so dreary, huh? :)
Posted by *mckenzie* at 9:50 AM